Neil Crone - Enter Laughing

Three cheers and a Roo toot...

I read a couple of very eye ( and mind) opening articles today concerning the state of Global Warming. It seems the number one contributor to the troubles of the earths precious atmosphere is livestock farming. Yes, even more than all of the crud belched out by all of the worlds transportation, the real issue is, at least according to an article in Ode Magazine is 'Cow farts'. Yes. In fact a single cow can produce as much as 500 litres of methane per day. That would give a hockey dressing room a run for it's money, stinkwise.
The other fascinating artlcle had to do with the same concept but in a much more positive vein. Australia, the land down under, also called the land of sun burn, is perhaps in the front line of experiencing the joys of Global warming. They understand, first hand, the effects of the methane being produced by the millions of cattle and sheep in that country. But they've also realized, recently that salvation may be at hand in what was previously thought of as a pest...the ubiquitous Kangaroo. Roo farts do not contain methane. Even though the animals can eat the same food as a cow or sheep, they have an enzyme in their digestive tracts that makes it possible for them to eat and not produce the dreaded methane. Scientists feel that if they can cross breed this enzyme into other ruminants, the methane problem will be a thing of the past. I wonder if they could help my dog out too...hoo-whee..dog farts.

Windows flashback

I hadn't realized what a 'Mac-ite' I've become until today when, using Apple's ingenious new software 'Boot Camp' which allows my Mac to run windows programs, I actually loaded Windows XP onto my imac. It may have just been my imagination but I could've sworn the machine shuddered when the Windows logo popped onto the screen and the all-too familiar Microsoft musical sting sounded over it's speakers. It was like my computer had dropped some bad acid. The only reason (so far) I did it was because my accounting software, at least the Canadian version of it (just a quick and loud raspberry here for Intuit, the company that makes Quickbooks...thanks for nothing guys) will only run on a windows machine and I didn't want to keep an old clunker pc around the house to run only one application. I've tried to explain this to my computer but I don't think it's buying it. I've told it that I promise to only run Windows whenever I do my books and, as I absolutely loathe doing my books, it won't be that often. It's still giving me the cold screen.

1491

Just finished reading a fascinating book. 1491 by Charles C. Mann is an account of life in the Americas before the arrival of Columbus. But it's really so much more. If you want a real eye-opening, myth busting tale of what passed for the 'new world' when Chris and his pals arrived here, you'll enjoy this book. Far from jungles, huts and a few scattered, primitive natives roaming about, the Americas (south, middle and north) were teeming with people and very advanced cultures long before the arrival of any whites. Cities far and away larger than anything Europe could've boasted were in existence, the arts and sciences flourished, a calendar and system of mathematics light years ahead of the eastern world. All of this and more. Mann tells a great, historically, archeologically and anthropologically backed up story of the many millions of differing cultures and people we have simply and stupidly called 'Indians' for centuries. It's something. Tragic too, in that within a very short time most of these cultures were decimated by an unparalleled combination of germ and conventional warfare. Many of their secrets and treasures lost with them. A great, thought-provoking read.

Snow tired

I would really be very interested in knowing how many people in and around the GTA drive in our winter without snow tires. I'll wager the number is huge. It just seems that, human nature being what it generally is, ie. lazy and cheap, that most people can't be bothered. I hope I'm wrong. I really do. But I don't think so. I've been using four snows on both my vehicles since I moved up here and learned a hard lesson or two some fifteen years ago. The difference is night and day. In fact the difference between two snows and four is night and day. I almost think it should be mandatory in this climate zone. If everyone on the road had four, decent snow tires on (even not so decent ones) we'd see a staggering decline in the rate of accidents. So, I ask myself, why aren't the insurance companies all over this? Why aren't they offering some kind of rebate or reduced rate to help folks do this? I think they'd more than make up for any monies missed on the premium end by the dough they'd save not shelling out for repairs. But then again, who am I kidding? They get you either way, don't they?

Earth to Halton Catholic School Board...

Sounds like the Halton Catholic School Board is taking a page out of the Saudi's book...that is, if that book is still allowed on their library shelves. In a move that is more in line with the Taliban than higher education, that school board is pulling Philip Pullman's award winning novel 'The Golden Compass' off of it's library shelves as "the book is apparently written by an atheist where the characters and text are anti-God, anti-Catholic and anti-religion." Never mind that the book has won numerous awards, never mind that it was voted the best children's book in the past 70 years by a global readers poll, never mind that book-pulling is an Olympic sport in enlightened countries like Iran and Saudi Arabia, never mind about the quashing of a little thing called freedom of speech. Earth to Halton Catholic School board...what century is this again? You're supposed to be about enlightening children, expanding their minds, not putting blinkers on them. I read this book to my kids when they were very tiny and they haven't joined a cult yet or hung upside down crucifixes in their rooms. Let them read it and make their own choices. This makes me nuts.

Make a stink.

Alright, can we finally call a spade a spade here and start slamming, I mean really hammering some of these damned misogynistic mens clubs that masquerade as cultures that 'respect' women? This latest (and I stress latest...this kind of crap is by no means 'news' over there) abomination revolving around a female gang rape victim getting 200 lashes and jail time has me ready to tear someone's robed head off. If anyone believes women in the kingdom of Saudi Arabia are 'respected' they've got sand in their eyes. Is it respect to not allow women to drive, to not allow them to bear witness if a man was there and can do it better than her, to not travel without a man, to not undergo surgery without a mans permission, to not be able to vote?? THIS IS NOT RESPECT...THIS IS THE HEIGHT OF DEGRADATION. Can you think of a more despicable act than to sentence an innocent rape victim to 200 lashes? To put her through a trial where she is forced to remain in the presence of the men who 'gang respected' her over and over again? As my father says, I may be stupid but you can't piss up my leg and tell me it's raining. Do we have to drag these apes into the 16th century? I'm sick and tired of tippy-toeing around this issue. This is not respect and it is certainly not holy writ...no God worth worshipping would endorse this. Make a stink folks, make a big bloody stink.

Holly and Sun Bloc

Okay, don't think this Global warming thing is worth worrying about? Let me tell you, I've just come in from the outside and this is the first time in 15 years of living up here (100 kms north of Toronto) that I've broken into a sweat putting up my Christmas lights. Put that in your ooal burning generator and smoke it. Ten bucks says Santa's been shopping around for a red seersucker suit with white trim to wear this December 25th. Can't be sure but I think I saw a Mall Santa the other day, in Bermuda shorts. Heads up folks.

God Bless Sick kids.

Back home now, all of us. Friday afternoon, through a stupidly flukey accident, my thirteen year old found himself underneath the tire of our van. His femor was broken. 72 harrowing and I must say remarkably interesting hours later....he is home, sitting up and playing video games, chatting with a pal, tired but smiling....a titanium rod inside the bones of his left thigh, holding them together. You could knock me over with a feather right now. I'm reeling. Suzanne and I both have a very sudden and tremendous fatigue hitting us. As though we could not and in fact, did not, allow ourselves to ever completely relax until we had this precious child of ours home and on the road to normalcy once again. Good God. The last three days seem like a dream...Friday, of course, was nightmarish, but in all honesty there were not a few moments in the rest of the journey that were quite beautiful. Most of those coming from the mindblowing courage of my kid. Sometimes they absolutely take your breath away, these children of ours. Anyway, here we all are, home, safe, on the mend and with a few hundred more grey hairs. God bless Sick Kids Hospital.

Life of Brian

Is anybody else out there not so secretly hoping that Brian Mulroney gets nailed to a Tory blue cross over this Schreiber inquiry? I don't even really know all the details about the thing, I don't have to nor do I want to, I just think, in my gut that he's a great big, fat, wealthy white guy who never thought twice about bilking this country and it's tax payers for wads of cash. Someone who used the highest office in this land, an office conferred upon him through a democratic (read 'sacred') trust, for his own selfish profit. He's also just a dick. I can't put it any plainer than that. I mean, when you look at this guy, doesn't your gut just shout 'crook'? Sometimes I don't think we need to know all of the legalities. When you were in grade three, minding your own business at recess, and Scott Farkus, or Ian Resnick or (insert your childhood bully's name here) came strolling towards you and your pals with that 'gimme your lunch money' look in his feral yellow eyes, did you need a dossier on him to very quickly know he was nothing but bad news? Probably not. I don't think we lose that sixth sense as we get older. It may get rusty but it never goes away...which is why my Bull-shit-o-meter is going off the chart whenever I hear Mulroney open his yap.

Getting my 'Glow' on.

I was sitting eating lunch the other day, and, as is my habit I happened to reach for the nearest reading material available. I opened a copy of a magazine called 'Glow', one of these ridiculously shallow womens magazines that no one ever really purchases, but you get a years worth of them stuffed in your mailbox whenever you use any of your credit cards...apparently.
What's inside? Not much. Page after page after glossy page of tips and monosyllabically phrased articles on how to tighten, loosen, tone down, tone up, highlight, hide everything to do with your very obviously flawed female body. Unbelievable. If you didn't have body issues before reading that magazine, you certainly would afterward. An entire industry out there, preying on womens insecurities about their physical selves. Of course, the biggest laugh came in the midst of all this 'How to change everything about yourself' hype, with an article about how to stay natural. Rigggghhhhttt.....like anybody within a hundred miles of that mags publishing staff knows anything remotely about staying 'natural'. Be afraid, be very afraid...and wear stripes, they're slimming.

Lest we forget.

I was in a hotel room in Sudbury yesterday, Remembrance Day. I was about to start work on a television series. Only in the film world would anyone be working, on a Sunday, on November 11th. Nothing, after all, is more important than getting the 'shot'. At any rate, I did make a point of tuning in to CBC's coverage of the Remembrance Day ceremonies in Ottawa. I was, as always, moved to tears by the haunted looks in the eyes of those old men and women during the moments silence. The whole ceremony, actually, with one very stupid exception was lovely and poignant. There was a moment, when the Governor General was laying a wreath at the War Memorial when, in the background, fully on camera, there stood some ass, cell phone stuck to his ear, waving at the camera as though he were at a CFL game. I don't understand some people. I really don't. Then again, I suppose those old men and women fought and lost friends so that asses like this jerk could enjoy the freedom to make a tool of themselves on National television. Lest we forget.

Hijabba-dabba-doo

From the 'Suck it up' files. Another story this morning in the paper of someone who wants the world to stop spinning for her or she'll take her football and go home. A 19 year old Muslim woman, who wears the Hijab head covering is sueing a hair salon for not hiring her and therefore 'hurting her feelings'. I'm not kidding, she's sueing for 'hurt feelings'. Now, let's get something straight right from the outset; I like the Hijab. After two seasons of shooting around lots of women wearing them on Little Mosque on the Prairie, I've grown quite fond of them. I think they're modest and extremely alluring at the same time. They frame a womans lovely face perfectly. I'm a big fan.
However, no one is entitled to a free lunch. The owner of the salon that this nitwit is sueing did not hire her because she wants her hair stylists to all be models of great hair styles themselves. Duh...not rocket science and certainly a viewpoint, that she, as the business owner, is firmly entitled to. I expect the owners of the 25 other salons that would not hire Ms. Nitwit felt the same way. Earth to Nitwit...consider a new line of work. Or suck it up and keep at it until you find the right fit. The world does not owe you anything sweetheart. And the longer you believe it does, the harder your life will be. Everyone makes choices and everyone lives by those same choices.

Renaissance Video Man

Okay, okay...I may be a well educated man. I may read a great deal. I'm a student of Emerson and Whitman..I'm touchy feely as hell. But I still just wasted two hours playing Xbox live with my son, and had the time of my life. Isn't that the modern day equivalent of the Renaissance Man?? Please God tell me that it is...because I will do that again. It's just plain fun. Digital entertainment has come a long way since the first time I picked up some clumsy controller and thrilled to 'Pong'. But again, as I tell my kids all the time (when I'm not trying to fit them into the cross-hairs of my Springfield WW II sniper rifle) 'Balance is Everything'. So now I'm going to go upstairs and read, and read, and read.

Is it the weather?

I don't really know what to make of the situation in Pakistan, and in the Middle east in general, I guess. I look at photo after photo of wild-eyed, deliriously angry mobs (almost exclusively male mobs) who are perfectly prepared to kill someone over this issue or that issue. I ask myself, why don't we see this in Canada? Is it the weather? Is it just too damn cold out most of the time to get riled up like that? You can laugh if you want but there may be something to this. Most of these hysterical, flag-waving, bomb tossing, blood thirsty crowds are in places with warm climates. I can't remember the last time the streets of Helsinki were running with blood. And I don't ever recall masses of revenge-bent crowds flooding through Iqaluit. But you get into those temperate zones boy and the gloves come right off. People just don't want to talk, it seems. They go from irked to murderous in under 60 seconds. I don't get it. I understand and respect passion, but rage has never figured large on my radar screen. The problem with rage is that it usually comes in the 'blind' version. And don't even get me started on religion...religion is the gasoline people pour on their rage.

Women of WICC

Boy, I had the privilege of talking with an extraordinary woman this morning. I had just finished speaking at a breakfast with WICC (Women in Insurance Cancer Crusade...a great group doing wonderful things) and I was introduced to a young woman. I'd been told some of her story by another individual that morning. She had lost a leg to leukemia as a very young child. She'd rebounded beautifully as children do, only to be beset by thyroid cancer as a young adult. I couldn't help but notice the vivid red scar on her throat, just below her beautiful smile. Two cancers on her plate. My God. I love talking with individuals like this lady. There's not a whole lot of small talk. It's in the eyes. The eyes hold you. It's almost unnerving, except that it comes from a place of understanding, that stare, that look. It comes from a place of pain and love. There's a startling wisdom in it too. These people have had life boiled right down to its nub. They get it. They know what's important. We only talked for a brief time, people were filing by, on their ways back to work. But I didn't really want to go. I asked her if I could hug her. I just wanted to. It was the best form of blessing I could give her, the only way to tell her how I really felt, the only thing I felt worthy of leaving her with. For she was not, I was told, done with her fight yet. She'd been diagnosed with a brain tumor not long ago. It was back, looking for trouble. But she was not letting it trouble her. She never mentioned it to me. She never mentioned any of her difficulties to me. She was busy connecting. God I love that. When you bump into that kind of courage, that kind of spirit, it just makes you want to weep for joy. She was so beautiful.

An 'All wonderful' School?

It looks to me like the Toronto Board of Ed is about to make another well meaning but atrociously bad mistake. They are about to vote on the creation of an 'All-Black' School. I don't get this one at all. I have long believed that we need to spend much more time finding commonality and much less discovering reasons to be different. For the same reason I don't believe in Catholic Schools, or Islamic Schools or Jewish Schools or Doukhabor Schools, I think a school just for black kids is dumb. One of the big pluses, apparently, of this new school is that it will teach kids of color all about black heritage and culture. What is that? What is Black heritage and/or culture? Most black people I know have lived in this country for generations and generations. They're no more connected to Africa or the Carribean than I am to Ireland. For that matter...what is white culture? I don't know. Seems to me culture can take a hike. Culture starts way more fights than it ever stops. How about we forget about where we're all from and we start thinking about where we're all at and where we want to end up?
Instead of blowing a whole whack of tax money on this silly idea, how about pumping some dough into programs to teach all children to respect each other, care for each other and to understand their full, amazingly wonderful potential. How about an 'All wonderful' School. Where the kids were all treated wonderfully, the teachers were all wonderful and wonderfully paid, and the facilities and programs were wonderfully stimulating. I'd pay for that.

Bye-bye Bobby

I don't know how I missed the news when it happened, but I just opened my copy of the ACTRA Performers magazine and read of the passing in May of this year of Robert Ash..aka...'Uncle Bobby'. There are probably a lot of us, born in the 60's and later who spent a lot of time with that man. Back in the day when you could really only pull in two channels...CFTO and CBC and, if you were lucky or it was particularly cloudy...Rocketship 7 out of Buffalo. Uncle Bobby was a fixture. A sort of greasy haired, semi-creepy fixture with teeth that were definitely a casualty of the British Dental system. But a fixture nonetheless. Even now, forty-odd years and a hundred channels later, I can still sing a number of the tunes from his show, by heart.
The irony of his death notice was that it was a small part of a page devoted largely to the passing of the Stratford actor William Hutt. Tucked just above the glowing praise and half-page picture of Hutt, Uncle Bobby was a bit of an afterthought. Truth be told though,as magnificent as Hutt was reputed to be, I'll bet many more of us owed a bigger part of our acting lives to guys like Uncle Bobby.
Robert Ash 1924-2007

Pro what????

One of the tough things you have to swallow when you embrace democracy is that free speech means just that. For every individual or group using it as a tool to promote education and enlightenment you have dozens of wingnuts and occasionally the presence of the unfathomably stupid. After the recent apprehension of a Canadian pedophile in Thailand, a news article surfaced regarding a 'pro-pedophilia' group in the U.K. No kidding (pun fully intended). These guys do exist, and as sure as Socrates, Ben Franklin, Abe Lincoln and every other proponent of self-expression are spinning in their graves, where there's one there have to be dozens more. I can't get my head around it frankly. An organization in support of, and here's the loophole these whack-jobs love to leap through, 'consentual' relations between an adult and a child. Give me strength. As though a child had the emotional and mental maturity to understand what he or she is being subjected to in these situations. But, this is what you sign up for when you wave the use of tanks to control your population. On the bright side the pendulum does swing both ways. Whose to say some of us can't find a loophole to make legal and democratic use of the new group 'Parents Who love to dump Pedophiles in rivers' or "Moms and Dads against freaks who prey on our children'? I don't know, if you can find a good acronym, send it along...maybe we can get government funding.

Alone at meal time.

I always think I'm going to like a hotel stay until I get here and dinner time arrives. I start missing my kids and my wife like crazy. I hope your dinner times are as nice as ours are. They're very often entertaining and fun, but even when they aren't, even when we're all looking kind of bored and hangdog, we know we've got each other and we always will have. You take that for granted sometimes. You take the company for granted, naturally, when most of the time you're stumbling over each other in the bathroom. But, for me anywyay, it doesn't take more than a couple of hours of solo time, especially around a mealtime, before I start to miss them. Oh well, I'll be home tomorrow and happily cussing out my sixteen year old for leaving his crap everywhere. Ah family.