Neil Crone - Enter Laughing

Norman Rockwell North...

I was driving my son up to his bands concert in Cannington tonight and on the way back I was greeted by a number of scenes straight out of Norman Rockwell north.  This has not been the warmest or driest of summers so far and so, I guess, when July finally offered up a lovely, warm summer evening tonight, a whole whack of folks were taking advantage of it.  I got little snapshots of these as I drove through town.  People in various poses of relaxation, happiness and friendship.  Here are two guys chatting in a driveway...one sitting atop his motorcycle, the other leaning, arms folded against the garage door, both chatting affably, nodding and smiling.
Here a front porch with people spilling happily down it's steps and out onto the green lawn.  Chairs set up in no particular order. Men still in blue collar work clothes, dirty baseball hats on their smiling heads, cold beers in hand.  Women and children sprinkled throughout.  Baby carriages nearby.  Everyone relaxed, everyone enjoying a warm evening with friends while happily staring down the barrel of a long weekend.  And in several instances I saw variations of this familiar theme:  Seniors sitting on verandahs. Grey haired men and women, men with pants pulled up to just under the nipples, women in sensible shoes, roller pin arms folded over their ample bosoms, placidly ensconced in overstuffed chairs and gazing quietly out at the world passing by on a warm summer night.  It was all pretty nice.  We're really not a bad bunch once you get to know us.

The real reason behind her disappearance...

DNA is remarkable stuff.  Researchers are now close to solving the mystery of the disappearance of Emelia Earhart thanks to some pieces of glass and bits of make-up found on a remote pacific island.  If they can successfully sample uncontaminated DNA from bits and pieces on the island they may be able to see if they match the DNA from a relative of the famed aviator who went missing in 1937 while attempting to fly around the world.  The project is purported to cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $500,000.00  Wouldn't it be weird if they found out it was her and that she had survived the crash only to die from eating airline food??

Sleep well dear commuter...

You have to love this...the latest data from an exhaustive (and no doubt expensive) study confirms that the chance of an accident occurring is twenty-three percent higher if the driver is texting while at the wheel.  Wow. Who knew? Thank God these people are out there testing this stuff.  I mean you just never know do you?  What an age we live in where we can rely on the results of studies to keep us safe from ourselves.
Even as I type this there are hundreds of other studies being done in labs around the world to determine the safety of such issues as...
'Baking while driving'
'Lighting a Coleman stove while driving'
'Front seat Fondue'
You can sleep well tonight dear commuter, knowing that these good people are on the job.

Curing the country's 'ales'...

I thought this was particularly noteworthy:  Days after the debacle that had Henry Louis Gates Jr., Harvard Scholar, arrested for trying to break into his own home, sparking a (in my opinion) greatly merited outcry over racial profiling, no less than President Barack Obama himself has invited Gates and the arresting officer Sgt. James Crowley to the White House for a beer.  I love that.  That's how I would've handled it.  I can't think of too many difficulties that can't be solved over a cold beer or six.  I'd love to be a fly on the wall of that meeting.  I wonder too, if, after a few ales one might overhear drunken, emotional male voices calling out 'I love you man!', from the Rose garden or Oval office.  The other noteworthy thing to mention here is this...do you think this kind of meeting would've been offered during the Bush administration?  Maybe so, but somehow I think the perrenially ham-handed Bush would've invited Gates over for fried chicken and watermelon.

Checking in on the 'Frybrid'...

Well, it's been well over a year since we converted the VW Beetle to run on waste Vegetable oil and I thought I would give you an update on how the 'Frybrid' is running.  In a word, fantastic.  Not a problem.  The vehicle runs like a clock,leaving in its wake not a black cloud of carbon besotted soot, but a clear haze of yummy french fry residue.  Dope smokers follow us for miles, rubbing their stomachs and smiling dreamily.  It really has been tremendous.  Feels very good to fuel up for free and the engine is remarkably clean.  There have been a few hiccups but none of these has had anything to do with the actual mechanics of the conversion.  It's all been about human stupidity....more to the point, my stupidity.  I recall the night I left a barrel heater on in one of our 55 gallon plastic barrels.  It was virtually full of oil and I was heating it, as I normally do, to allow the sediment in the oil to settle out faster.  Never occurred to me that if left on too long, the oil would heat to the point of causing the barrel to lose 'structural integrity'.  We awoke the next morning to a melted barrel and a garage floor covered in 55 gallons of veggie oil. Gosh that was fun.  Oh  golly did we laugh. Thank God for Shop Vacs.  And I've since, incidentally, switched to steel drums.  Live and learn though, right?  And what's life without a little greasy adventure now and then?  Bottom line is our carbon footprint and our fuel bill have been reduced drastically.  And that's worth any amount of gunk on the garage floor.

Running back to Regina?

I'll be heading out to Regina in a couple of weeks to finish up filming of Little Mosque. I'll probably be there until around Labour day. I used to joke about my visits to the prairie capital, saying things like "I spent a year in Regina one weekend".  But I have to tell you, I think my timing this year couldn't be better.  With a garbage strike and now a Via Engineers strike that is sure to make commuting as much fun as a wet toilet seat, I can't get out of Toronto fast enough.  Say what you will about Regina (the city that's fun to say) there's no garbage strike and rush hour amounts to a Combine and a hay wagon trying to make a left hand turn. Who knows, I haven't checked the weather reports but they may even be getting a real summer out that way.  Plus, you can meet some pretty hot women at the Farmers Market.  Okay, so I have a thing for bonnets and glasses.

No sweat, Barry...

Boy the Lawyers must be falling over themselves to come to the aid of Barry Shell.  Shell, won the 4.4 million dollar Lotto 649 jackpot yesterday.  However, immediately after posing for his OLG photo, Shell was picked up by the local constabulary and arrested on a number of charges including failing to appear, theft under $5,000 and possession of property obtained by crime.  Still, I don't imagine Barry's sweating it  too much.  With that cheque in his hand he has gone very quickly from a have-not to a have.  And, as I say, I am sure there are any number of slick ambulance chasers ready and willing to get him off the hook...for a slice of that 4.4 million dollar pie.  Oh, I'm talking about pie again. Yummmmm.

Harry Potter and the Important text message....

The boys and I went to see the latest Harry Potter incarnation last night. Not a bad flick, and actually fairly funny in moments. But I'll be damned if I can remember anything from this series anymore.  I dutifully read all seven books, but enjoyed them less and less as the series came out.  Not sure why that is.  My sons and I discussed this on the way home in the car.  I maintained that a big part of my love of the first three books (in my opinion by far the best) was that A) They were concise, sharp little yarns that held the interest and kept the pages turning and B) I got to enjoy them by reading them aloud to my children. 
You can't put a price on that second item.  So, yeah, I've kind of lost touch with Harry and the gang over the years.  In fact, last night, after the film ended, I couldn't even remember what the final book was about.  Either the book wasn't so great or my comprehension and retension are slipping.  But if that's the case how come I can still remember every funny line from Young Frankenstein?  Priorities, I guess.
Anywho, I had a nice little 'grumpy old fart' moment last night.  Typically, the movie wasn't two minutes old when a young girl in front of me lit up her PDA and began texting...incidentally blinding those of us behind her.  I took a great deal of relish in leaning over, tapping her on her hollow little head and requesting that she turn it off. Sometimes it's fun being an old fart.

The New Me...

I've been thinking about turbo-charging the old career a little bit.  It's easy to get complacent in this business, especially when you're working on a successful show like Little Mosque on the Prairie.  But I didn't just fall off of the falafel truck.  I've been around long enough to know that in show biz you're only as good as your last movie.  Or, in Christian Bale's case, you're only as good as your last fit.  The entertainment business has a very short memory.  Actors and entertainers need to be constantly re-inventing themselves.  Which is why, as of late, I've been toying with the idea of a new 'stage' name.  Oh, I'll still be lovable old Neil to my friends and family, but to the entertainment world at large I could be something new, flashy and exciting.  Here's a few on my short list. Feel free to email me with some suggestions of your own:

Vic Toupee
Chas Bannister
Skip Leatherman
Biff Windward
Mace Saltspray
Rip Boltman
Stark Nightly

A little slab'll do ya...

I'm on a bit of a Pie and Coffee jag lately.  Pie and coffee really are the perfect food combo.  They are easily on a par with cake and milk...with the added benefit that you can eat pie and coffee at any time of the day.  As much as you might want to, eating cake and milk for breakfast just doesn't seem kosher somehow.  But pie is really just fruit!  And who wouldn't want to eat that for breakfast.  Of course there are other varieties...your cream of coconuts, your boston creams, your pecans...still most of those have real food in them.  It's just been creamed.  So, no worries.
I've been thinking also that a great idea for a restaurant or cafe would be a place that only sold pie and coffee.  But it would the absolutely bestest pie and coffee in the world.  Primo pie and the richest, darkest, tastiest coffee on the planet.  I'd live there.
But, as far as I know, no such place exists...yet.  My question to you, dear readers, is twofold:
A) What is your favourite pie?
B) Where can one get a slab (pie should never be served by the mere slice...only a slab will do) of the best pie in the GTA?
Get back to me on this one.  Let's share the wealth.